Monday, June 6, 2011

Mid Mission Crisis... You know... like a mid life crisis, only cooler

And the weeks go by.

Ok this is going to be a doozie. I call it, my "Mid Mission Crisis" (if you know me at all, you knew this was bound to happen at some point... I'm a little bit crazy and a tad of a perfectionist...)

I am almost at halfway and that stresses me out really bad. I've really been having a hard time because I worry that I haven't done anything in my first 9 months and that I definitely won't have time to accomplish all that I wanted to accomplish when I stepped off the plane at LAX! I really get down on myself when I feel like I haven't been as focused on my goals and things and I REALLY stress out if I feel as though I can't accomplish them. And then I just give up all together. It's frustrating. And then I have to pick back up again and start over.. I feel like I never really live up to the expectation I set for myself and that frustrates me. It's hard for me to see that the work I have done or am doing is "good enough" and always seeing something to improve on is very humbling, but also extremely overwhelming. I feel like I am always doing something wrong, or breaking a rule, or this or that when I know that I'm just doing the best I can. And usually, nothing is being "broken" it's just me and my perfectionist attitude worrying too much. I thought I would "get" this whole missionary work thing perfectly by now, but I am still learning and it's sort of a painful process. I'm just worried I won't become the person (she is extremely cool, balanced, smart, knowledgeable about the scriptures, very sure of herself and would never let anyone or anything get in the way of that, and most especially she knows and loves the Lord and has a seriously cool testimony of the Atonement.  no big thang, right?)  I wanted to become in these short 18 months. Or worse, I will go home the exact same person I was before I came. I think I know deep down that that is impossible. I live with myself 24/7 (tough job, trust me... its exhausting to be me) so maybe I don't see the changes. I know that 9 months away is far, but actually I'm realizing that time goes so fast as a missionary and there is so much to be done and I worry that I don't have enough time. I try to work as hard as I can, I am trying to be the best missionary possible, I am trying to accomplish my goals, I am trying so hard to be a good trainer, and I try to not let my own frustrations get in the way of the work, but trying is all I can do. And I am.

Trials are a funny thing. I love em' and I hate em'. Not sure why some trials are the trials that they are and why the people who have them are the people who have them. But what I do know is this: The gospel of Jesus Christ is real. It is true. The Book of Mormon is true.

{grab a tissue here. And get over it}-- my inner conversation. I vented, it's done. I'm moving forward.

SO for confidentiality sake (they really don't want us using names of investigators... understandable) The names of the people I will be talking about have been changed. And yes, I had fun changing their names.
Things are going well. Skeema is progressing really amazingly. She still doesn't quite have a solid "I- know- this- is- true-without-a-question" testimony but she is feeling the spirit more and more at church and is starting to really branch out. I just love her so much. And she loves food, which is hilarious. And she talks about it all of the time which is even more hilarious. And she's got the cutest little body, which is just unfair, not hilarious at all. It is the most amazing thing to see someone give up an entire past life and move forward towards Christ. She is an incredible human being and I am so grateful to be even just a small part of her transformation process.
Quadra is progressing also. She is set on being baptized the end of this month, but we do have to make sure her parents are OK with it. She is so pure and innocent, I wanna be like that. She's adorable and we love her. She also really loves Yogurtland which is not great because so do I and it's getting a little out of control. She almost just expects that we will go there every time we see her. But her Dr. said she has to lose weight, so that will change. Thank heavens. I think I started growing a Yogurtland Limb. And I'm fine with the limbs I have.

 Sis Bodily and I are doing great. Both learning and improving together. She is a wonderful human being and is really starting to love missionary work. I have been humbled and humbled and humbled through this training experience. We are practicing spanish as much as possible and trying to do tours at the Visitors Center in spanish too.It's so funny because the people just love watching me try to speak. Haha. But at least I am trying, right? Thats the best I can do.  I really do love the language. I think I will continue to study it after the mission.

We did a lot of finding in Beverly Hills this week. It is seriously the funniest thing. We are driving around the hills, and like 6 "starline" busses drive by with people who paid to be on a bus with the roof cut off to try and spot some stars. There were moments, though, when we would see a HUGE house and wonder who lived there and then the bus would drive by and stop in front of the house and I would want to say "Who are you looking for? Who lives here?!" But I refrained to try and keep focused on my calling, not on the possibility of seeing P Diddy. Who definitely lives in Beverly Hills. I want to go back and watch "cribs" episodes because I'm pretty sure I have seen a lot of those houses. And they are unreal. But I have to say, I never ever ever ever want to live in Beverly Hills, although the views are breathtaking and the houses are absolutely stunning. But I couldn't live there. And I actually don't think anyone who lives there actually wants to either because they are NEVER HOME.

Well I think that is all for today.
 Sista Brink

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